The Table Trasher

There have been a few stints in my life when I've gone on multiple dates a week, with different men. One stint in particular is memorable because of the Table Trasher. 

I met a man who seemed "perfect". Sometimes that's just the way with certain people. They give a little of themselves, only to show their true colors at a later time. That is what happened in this case.

I met the Table Trasher Spring of 2013. Our first date was full of whiskey and laughs.  He seemed pretty cool, but a teeny bit pushy. I was able to chalk that up to his being nervous and I decided to schedule a second date anyway.

Our second date was at a very upscale restaurant. He mentioned that his little sister and her fiance would be joining us, which I felt was a bit too soon, but I figured that I could get a look into who he really was... and boy did I ever!

When I arrived at the restaurant/inn he met me in the lobby and took me up to his suite to meet his sister and her fiance. SHE WAS AMAZING! We drank some champagne and chatted before our dinner downstairs. Once we got downstairs, I felt so fancy. We were seated by the waiter, or his "associate". We had two waiters for dinner, which was great. My date ordered two bottles of wine, both very expensive... he was sure to tell me that too. So tacky in my book. We had a nice dinner with some great conversation. Toward the end of dinner, as we were deciding on dessert, my date was a bit buzzed.  He thought it would be impressive/funny if he could lean backwards in his chair. As he was leaning and balancing, we told him he would fall and to please stop. But, of course, he didn't listen. What happened next was the event that gives him hims namesake.

He FELL! And not only did he fall backwards landing flat on his back, he grabbed the tablecloth to break his fall. So, he took that with him. He managed to smash every single glass on the table, along with the gorgeous candle holder centerpiece... I bet it was Murano glass. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my dating life. The head waiter came over, extremely angry, and asked us to sit in the lobby while he cleaned up the mess. While sitting in the lobby, someone delivered the bill. My date made a point to tell me exactly how much money he spent on me and my dinner, and that he would cover it. That really turned me off!

After the date, and after his sister and her fiance left us, I decided that this guy wasn't the one.

Lesson: Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.

The Twenty-One Year Old

Usually when I meet someone, I've got a pretty good idea of what age bracket they fall into:

18-24
25-34
35-46
46+

Sometimes though, I have a tough time placing people. This experience was one of those times...

My sister came to visit me for her birthday last March. Since mine is in February, we thought it would be fun to celebrate together! We dressed to impress, got our makeup done at a local salon and hit the town. I took her to a go-to place for dinner which was really fun. She and the bartender hit it off and she got his number. At first I thought it was cool, but then realized it wasn't when she began incessantly texting him.

After dinner, we bar hopped a bit around town and had a ton of fun!

We decided we wanted to dance a bit, so we ended up at a classy bar with a dance floor. While my sister was texting "her" bartender, I decided to dance. The only one on the floor, I was tearing it up.  After what seemed like FOREVER, I got her to dance with me. We were laughing and spinning and having so much fun!

Two guys joined us on the dance floor. One danced with the sister, the other danced with me. Then, bam, they switched it up. They were both pretty attractive and in shape. The one that danced with me secondly was drinking whiskey, and I was too! So, we started talking. He told me his name and that he lived near a local college and was in the marketing field. I liked what I heard, for sure. He told me he was originally from New York, but really liked this area. I asked him a bit more about the area where he lived and after a bit of back and forth, he told me he lived right next to campus, which was great because he could walk to class. AHH, I then asked him how old he was and he said "21"! Wahhhhooooooo!

At first, I gasped, and then laughed and then felt super flattered. He thought I was much younger than 30, even though I had a "30" crown on my head. I think this means I've reached official Pre-Cougar/PUMA status! He asked me if I wanted to go on a date later that week, and of course I said yes! He wanted to either go to dinner or a dayglow concert... I chose dinner! In retrospect, maybe the concert would have been more fun, but I felt like I was too old for that kind of event.

A few days later we went on a date to a nice restaurant. He was a real gentleman, it was kind of weird to think he was so young. We had wine, good food and he even paid!

Lesson: Sometimes Age really can be just a number.

The Dirty Talker

Firefighters are stereotypically attractive. They help people, fight fires, risk their lives, are compassionate, are disciplined, are hardworking and sometimes total jerks.

Yes, another online encounter, what else?  It was summertime when we went on our date. I lived right downtown, so we met on the street near my house. It was not at all sketchy, although it sounds that way. He pulled up in a big "souped-up" truck and hopped out. He seemed very polite, and quite charming.

I had been chatting with him a bit prior to our date, so I knew the basics. We walked around for a while and then he took me to dinner. We were having a nice time with some great conversation. During our conversation, he asked me if I had any tattoos. I told him "yes", described my pieces and then asked him. He was wearing a polo shirt, and I could see that he had one poking out of his sleeve. He pulled up his sleeve and showed me. He had a nice shoulder piece. The one thing that stood out was a name. It was a boy's name, so of course I inquired. He told me that he had a son. Now, this was the first I heard of him having a child, so that was a bit surprising. Although surprising, I knew that the longer I was single and dating, the more I'd meet men who could have had children in previous relationships. What he told me next was more shocking that I had expected. His son was 17. 17, people! That would have made him a teenager when he had a child. I tried to keep it together and continue the date with no judgments.

After dinner, we walked some more and sort of bar hopped. The more drinks I drank, the more fun I was having, of course. We laughed and talked and had a great rest of the evening. As we walked back to his truck, he held my hand. It was really sweet.... but only for a second.  Once we got back to his truck, I attempted to give him a hug goodnight and he proceeded to jam his tongue in my mouth. What is with that?!? I seriously have had that happen to me multiple times. And each time, it never gets less gross or surprising. I pulled away and he held me close for a hug before he released me.  If things weren't already weird, this is when it got really weird! He started talking dirty to me, words I will never repeat, and grinding up on my legs. I couldn't help but laugh, because it was so unbelievable. I think he was offended by my reaction. But it was all so ridiculous to me. I politely shook his hand, went home alone and never called him again.

Lesson: Dirty talk really turns me off.

The Architect

After a friend's birthday dinner, the group of us went to our local watering hole. I was having a great time with my friends, laughing, chatting and drinking. A mysterious guy was in the midst. I only say mysterious because he was walking around with a long, black, wool coat on.... inside... in the warmth! I'm not sure what my deal is with these men that dress inappropriately for the weather, but anyway...

While putting on my coat to leave, he approached me! Step one of winning my number is the first approach. He passed. The rest was kind of a blur. I attribute that to being a bit dazed from being up so long that day (it was a Friday and work was crazy), buzzed nicely, and being in a loud crowded place. Anyway, I know I gave him my number, I know he told me his name and I know that he was an architect.

The next day he called me, and left a message! Who does that anymore? Ladies, chivalry may not be completely dead! We got in touch and decided to meet up for a drink on Sunday. Sunday rolled around and I sent him a text to touch base. He told me he was my age, his favorite color and some of his passions. Then, we discussed our meeting.

We planned to meet at a local bar and have a drink/appetizer. 10 minutes later he said that he didn't drink on Sunday. At first I was surprised because I could potentially drink daily. After talking to a friend, she and I decided that it may be a religion based decision, so I let that go. He mentioned that he wanted to get hot cocoa instead, and at a bar that had a fireplace. High maintenance, or what?! I really wanted to tell him that I didn't care what he ordered, but I refrained. Then, a few minutes later he said that hot cocoa actually had too much caffeine and maybe he wanted a decaf tea. Really, I mean Really!?! Now this guy was starting to weird me out/aggravate me.  I replied telling him that making these plans seemed to be too much trouble for him, and got no response...

Then, a while later he sent back this enormous message telling me that I must have good instincts because I sensed that his mood changed. He told me that his wife, YES HIS WIFE, had left a few years ago and that he had a restraining order on her. I guess she'd called him a bunch recently and that put him in a bad place. He said we should get together once his divorce was finalized.

So, there you have it ladies, there you have it. I'd characterize this one as slightly crazy and mostly UNAVAILABLE!

Lesson:  Trust your instincts. Sometimes the little yellow or red flags really mean something.

The Dark One

A long time ago, I began my first online dating stint, on Yahoo Personals (I don't even think that still exists). I met some great guys, had some fun dates and even a relationship or two, albeit short ones. During that time, one date in particular comes to mind. I call him... The Dark One.

Fairly attractive, probably falling into the tall/dark/handsome category,  he was within my 5+ age bracket. He came over to my dorm for a movie date. In my early stages of online dating, I didn't understand the importance of meeting in public places, for fear of being a victim of a serial killer. I was so naive, and have since learned.

He arrived late, and I only remember that because I was pretty miffed when he finally arrived. But, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We went to my room and I set up the TV so we could sit on my bed and watch it. I honestly don't even remember the movie...

After about 10 minutes of watching this movie, he told me he was super hot. Now, this was winter, in New England and our heat was not on high. So, I knew it was his way of trying to make a move. I didn't respond to his statement, but he apparently didn't care. He proceeded to take off his shirt, probably just trying to show me his body. He had a few tattoos. That intrigued me more than his body... it wasn't anything to brag about.

BIGGEST MISTAKE. I asked about his tattoos. He showed me the first one, a HUGE piece on his back, that terrified me. Now, I have a few tattoos, and I understand they are self expression, but this one was really creepy. An unfinished tree was centered in his back, taking up space from just above his natural waist to the top of his shoulders. The trunk of the tree was comprised of dead human heads with sad or horrified expressions. The branches of the tree snaked out and hanging from one of them was a dead man in a noose. In the distance, faded out, was the grim reaper. I didn't ask him the meaning of the piece, because I didn't want to know. When I asked him why the piece wasn't finished though, he told me his tattoo artist was dead and he would never let anyone else finish the piece.

I don't remember the rest of the date... That can either be attributed to my being thoroughly creeped out, or that I'm old and have intentionally blocked it out. Needless to say, there wasn't a second date.

Lesson: Outward personal expressions can allude to something much deeper.

This is Me! These are My Stories!

Like many women, ever since I was young, I've wanted to find my prince charming. He doesn't have to be perfect, he just has to be right for me. I see many of my friends married with children and I always thought I'd be at that point in my life by now. I guess I still have many lessons to learn.

I've been dating for as long as I can remember. Many boys, and men have entered and exited my life over the past 20 years, and I can remember them all. I've definitely grown as a person and a woman over time. However, I still tend to meet and get involved with men that just aren't the right fit, unavailable, immature, unstable, irrational, crazy, or lacking luster (ie. intelligence, motivation, compassion and the list goes on). On the contrary, during my search, I know I've met some great men and had some great relationships that just haven't worked for one reason or another. That being said, I know the right one is out there, somewhere...

This past January, while sitting on a Southwest flight waiting to come home from Seattle, via Chicago, (where I totally met a Prince... more to follow in another post), I met the coolest future wingwoman, "G". "G" got stuck with a high seating number and was forced to sit in a middle seat. Thank God she took the middle seat in my row! We hit it off immediately and started talking about our dating lives, of course! As intelligent women, who are still single, it's a valid topic for discussion. Especially when you have some crazy dating stories. After many stories and many laughs "G" told me I should write a blog. So, that's exactly what I'm doing!

I will submit entries and learned lessons about my past and current dating encounters. I am doing this partially to be relative to other women in my situation, but also to share these ridiculous, terrifying, and hilariously completely true stories. I preface that they are completely true, because I know some of you may think I'm making them up... and I AM NOT! I will only reference the men I write about with a phrase. Some, if not many of you, will know exactly whom I'm talking about. I just ask that you please be discreet if commenting, as my purpose is not to open Pandora's box. I believe that my experiences have occurred for a reason and have helped me to be aware of what I want and need in a relationship.  I'm not quite there, but getting really close to finding the right person. And in knowing what I want, I am able to equally detect what I definitely do not want, and can pick up on strange behavior right away! Anyway, in no chronological order... here goes.....